The other day, I was thinking about the word “guilt.” Specifically, how it seems to weigh differently depending on who is carrying it.
In my journey as a mother of two, a founder, and an actor, I’ve noticed a glaring double standard that we rarely talk about out loud. We often hear about “Parental Guilt.” But let’s be Candid:
Mom guilt and Dad guilt are built on entirely different foundations.
The “Extra Mile” vs. The “Baseline”
For many fathers, guilt is often tied to the “extra mile.” If a dad misses a bedtime due to work, it’s framed as a necessary sacrifice for the family’s future. When he steps up to handle a school run or a doctor’s appointment, he is often praised for being “involved.” For men, guilt usually kicks in when they feel they haven’t done extra.
But for mothers? Guilt is our baseline.
The “Default Parent” Trap
Mom guilt isn’t just about the big moments; it’s about the invisible, 24/7 mental load.
- It’s the guilt of checking an email while the kids are playing.
- It’s the guilt of wanting a quiet cup of coffee alone.
- It’s the guilt of feeling tired of being the "default" person everyone comes to for socks, snacks, and emotional support.
The Martyrdom Myth
We have been conditioned to believe that a “good mother” is a martyr—someone who only finds value in how much of herself she can give away. Society has made us feel that any time spent on our own passions, our own rest, or our own growth is time “stolen” from our children.
Reclaiming the Narrative
It is time to stop apologizing for being multi-dimensional. A mother who has a purpose, a career, and a sense of self isn’t taking anything away from her kids—she is showing them what a fulfilled human being looks like.
We need to stop measuring our worth by the level of our exhaustion and start measuring it by the strength of our own boundaries. It’s time we stop apologizing for having a purpose outside of our homes. Your mental health isn’t a luxury; it’s your foundation. Your career isn’t a distraction; it’s your passion.
However, here’s a different perspective.
For a dad, guilt also sets in when he is unable to “provide” as the primary bread winner of the family. Sometimes, a man not being supportive of women working is not because he is cutting her wings, it is simply because in his mental make-up, she doesn’t “need to” because the way he looks at a job is directly in equation to money. So in his head, “your money is your money but my money is OUR money” is the notion that holds true.
Naturally then, working is suddenly not the priority for women, and taking care of the household is.
Is this perspective wrong?
Does something need to change?
Is it about the distribution on testosterone and estrogen?
In fact, what do you feel? Do you feel the “baseline” guilt, or have you found a way to set it down? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
-Chhavi Mittal
If you are going through any kind of trouble in life, if you feel like you need someone to talk to but are too shy to speak up, use this anonymous feature to send me a message.
